mos def

lets say you were driving through a hurricane, and you come to a bus stop with three people. first one is an old lady, she just had a heart attack and must be taken to the hospital right away. the second one is your best friend, like he saved your life before. and the third one is the girl of your dreams. now your car can only fit one more person, who would you take with you?

I'm a fucking mystery to you aren't I?

With Minoo, I had someone to share secrets with, she would tell me her dreams and desires and I would listen. It was everything I had wanted with Anne, but I wanted more. I wanted Minoo's touch, no I take that back, I wanted any woman's touch. So I made the leap, and o boy did I fell. I fell hard, down, straight down into the abyss. So you think this would have taught me a lesson, to never open up unless I am absolutely sure with myself. Unfortnately, life for me doesn't always work that way.

Take Yedda for example, she's this girl I met a few years ago on some random chat room, actually I don't even remember where, she might not even be a girl with my luck. According to her she lives in beijing, and she works at a trademark/patent office. In her spare time she enjoys reading and long walks on the beach...no wait, where did that come from? She lives in my favorite city, Beijing, o yes, I do know that I've already mentioned that. So I want to meet her, and you think I would have learned from Minoo, never make a move unless you're absolutely sure you are not going to get burned. It isn't apprehension, but a precaution, something smart to keep you from ending up in dumb and vulnerable places. I asked her the other day whether it would be nice enough to meet up for coffee. And I dropped by the notion that it's funny, that perhaps we have walked side by side with each other in Beijing and both of us were none the wiser. So what would you do in my case, it's natural that she's cautious, but why did I play my hand?

Then finally, we come to Rene. I don't want to know what I feel about this girl, or why I spent so much time doing things for her. I wouldn't want her to feel like she owes me, but it almost seems manipulative on my part, to make her feel the way she does. She will forever remain in the category of "What might have beens" or "What could have happened", because I don't think it's desire that I feel with her. Flat out, it scares me to being alone with her, it is a fear that I have that I am unwilling to confront anyone more successful than me. Because I'm afraid of them exposing my own weaknesses. On the plane over here, a bored prison shrink came over and struck up a conversation about the different facets of geography and whether we were currently flying over water or land. I started to talk and he just stared intently in my face, to the point where his eyes became unnerving, as if they were dissecting my face, separating the muscle from bone. Finally, he said, "your glasses are crooked." Yes, I know, I know my glasses are crooked. I dropped them many times and I just fell asleep with them on. At that instant I stopped talking with the shrink, not because he pointed out my own faults, but I dislike people who point out faults in other people as if they were perfect, I suppose I hate the arrogance of it all. For me, the shrink reminded me of this girl in highschool named Jennifer Swisher. She would often come over to me, as we're eating lunch outside and goofing around, and look in my face, very much like the shrink, and say in a disgusted voice "your glasses are crooked". Yes thankyou for pointing it out, I don't have enough money to fix them.

It happens with almost every woman I have set my interests upon, I'm a smooth talker, though it may not seem so if you've ever met me in person. I choose my phrases carefully, and if it isn't the right time to say it, I wouldn't mumble a word. With some people, I get right to the point and say it until it hurts. I don't think I feel joy out of it, I'm not the type of person that revel in other people's unhappiness; and yet, on the other hand, I feel like I've achieved something when I've helped someone deal with their problem when they are explaining the situation to me. The doctor's code: You're never supposed to get close to your patients. Well, I have seemed to have developed an attraction to every girl I have ever listened to. It's dangerous, don't you think? Like Ali mentioned, I know everything there is to know about Ali, but I'm a fucking mystery to him.

No one knows who I'm really am. I like to be in control, so I won't let people discover who I am. Maybe it's all a game to me, I like being the mysterious one. Cloak me in shadows, never speak my name. With all of these women, I don't think I've ever shared anything personal to me that I haven't related to in their life. I've told millions of lies, in fact, I tell lies so often that it have become the truth in some cases, where I start to believe in my own lies and begin to second guess the truths. My memories are shot and my brain feels like swiss cheese, where 2001-2005 have become a mishmash of dates and specific events where nothing really comes together. I feel like I should be doing something or attending a class, only to snap awake and realize there is no class, I've never even signed up for it. When I dream, it feels so real...left unfinished for another day

Leaving on a big jet plane

the beginning...

Perhaps I should make due to my promises and explain what exactly are the six realms which this blog is titled from:

1.) Realm of Hell: the lowest and worst realm, filled with demons and a black and bleak landscape. There isn't much to be said of this realm because there's nothing noticible there.

2.) Realm of the hungry ghosts: this is about as literal of a translation as I could get, in sanskrit it is called Preta-gati. Think of eternal starvation or unsatified cravings.

3.) Realm of the animals: realm of animals and livestock, characterized by stupidity and servitude.

4.) Realm of Asura: This is where things start to get interesting. This is a realm characterized by anger, jealousy, and constant war. Within the human self, the realm of Asura is most like that of humans, where they are partly good and partly evil.

5.) Realm of Humans: beings who are good and evil, enlightenment is within our grasp, yet most of us are blinded and consumed by our desires.

6.) Realm of Devas: Heavenly beings with godlike powers. "some say that because their pleasure is greatest, so too is their misery"

Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday

This line have been going around in my head for the past few days: "I don't want to complicate you"

It feels like it is a part of a song that I want to write, but I don't know what comes after for the next line. Something that fits, something that flows, sweet like candy across my soul. That kind of thing, yanno.

It was her popularity that I had wanted, I thought I could use her to get me into the world of indian girls. But Karim was right, whereas she have a choice and a reason, I have none. I should accept what was given to me, and move on. But I've always been a stubborn individual.

Met up with Daniella last night, she's leaving tonight, just in town for a business meeting. It is difficult to catch up on past things now, we spent the entire night reminicing, I felt like we should have talked about the future instead of the past. But once a conversation direction starts with Daniella, it's hard to change topic. She's a nice girl, but I would never like to get on her bad side in an arguement, because I will surely lose.

Listening to Hed Kandi - Disco Heaven mix instead of doing GIS work. I'm hungry.

Mona

Knowing if I could give you the sky and also the sea
But I don't think there's one thing in this world that'll make you notice me
Cause you can wield that sword in any direction, you damn well please
But you don't understand, that my heart is in your hands
And I'm beggin you not to squeeze.

Transfixed in her smile like the other fifty guys
She hypnotized, Guess I'm another stickler for pretty eyes
I minimized my obsession, never made the confession
Even evaded her presence at our graduation procession
It was a decision I later regretted
Wondering what I could have said and would it have swept her away if I said it
Step and Repeat and edit - my thoughts clashed
But I regained my lost chance the very day that we crossed paths again
I revelled in the opportunity, asked her to go dancing
Basking in this confidence that was new to me
It worked beautifully! A wild night became a quiet ride home
As I broke the silence her eyes roamed
7 years of frustration then hit her ears with abrasion
As I laced her with my tale of lust, tears and anticipation
Her reaction was a face of fakeness
Told me she was flattered, but within a tone lacking any amazement
It seemed she'd heard it all before
I realized then, her popularity is what I wanted her for
I tried to be strong as she hopped out the door
But even the hardest hearts break when they're dropped to the floor
Like Porcelain

Winter Nights

I love winter nights, especially when the air is cold but not quite cold enough where it's nippy. Cold nights also equal another thing: lack of water vapor in the sky. cold air can't hold as much moisture as warm air does, which means clearer skies at night.

Last night was such a night, it was 12 when I came back from the Lightning game. My very first nhl hockey game, sat all the way up in the nosebleeds. We were six rows below the back wall, but can't complain, the tickets were free. So when I pulled up into the driveway, and looked up, I was absolutely floored. Someone had knocked out the streetlight in front of my house, so the scope of the view into the night sky was immense. To cite an example: normally, with decent light pollution, only the brightest and largest stars shine through. But last night, the span of the universe was open to my naked eyes, and there is so much to take in and be awed by the number of stars. no one really look up anymore. when was the last time one wished upon a shooting star? I suppose there's good reason to not to, you wouldn't want to make a wish to a satellite.

It's a good year for the Leonid meteors this year, and last night i spotted a couple shooting streaks before I went in to escape from the cold. For a while I lay back on the hood, put my jacket under my head, and just looked up. I suppose I zoned out a little bit from the reverie, but it was a reflective moment. last night was perfect, one of those nights where it wouldn't be so cold if one had someone with them. and then, i started thinking, maybe that's all i want. just someone to embrace, a friend or more, it doesn't matter, just someone to look up with. to be alone in this world is impossible, but it's very easy to become lonely. and when one becomes lonely, a person's gaze tend to be more focused downwards except upwards.

To go off topic a bit, I rediscovered this Vertical Horizon song that I took a shining to, listened it on the way to the river today:


"Everything You Want"

Somewhere there's speaking
It's already coming in
Oh and it's rising at the back of your mind
You never could get it
Unless you were fed it
Now you're here and you don't know why

But under skinned knees and the skid marks
Past the places where you used to learn
You howl and listen
Listen and wait for the
Echoes of angels who won't return

[Chorus]
He's everything you want
He's everything you need
He's everything inside of you
That you wish you could be
He says all the right things
At exactly the right time
But he means nothing to you
And you don't know why

You're waiting for someone
To put you together
You're waiting for someone to push you away
There's always another wound to discover
There's always something more you wish he'd say

[Chorus]

But you'll just sit tight
And watch it unwind
It's only what you're asking for
And you'll be just fine
With all of your time
It's only what you're waiting for

Out of the island
Into the highway
Past the places where you might have turned
You never did notice
But you still hide away
The anger of angels who won't return

[Chorus]
I am everything you want
I am everything you need
I am everything inside of you
That you wish you could be
I say all the right things
At exactly the right time
But I mean nothing to you and I don't know why
And I don't know why
Why
I don't know

____________________________

morae's for bellydancing

Back to square 1

Ok, so that didn't work. Last week, at a belated Halloween party, I got shot down by Minoo when I told her how I felt, or rather how I wanted to feel. I say how I wanted to feel because right now I just need somebody to hold, anybody to hold, any body to hold. It sounds mean of me to say it doesn't it? I suppose I don't deserve anyone right now for saying the words that I say. Well, some of this is my fault, I'm not very eloquent when I'm nervous, and I'm especially nervous when I'm around attractive women. So I don't think I got my point across when I told Minoo how I felt. Haha, it shocks me even to say this, but I don't want sex. If it comes with everything, then it's accepted, not rejected, but I'm not actively seeking it out. To make a point, when I go out with friends to the clubs, I don't carry condoms with me. All I want is physical contact, short of actual intercourse, just some kissing, and sleeping. Just the taste of a woman on my lips and my fingertips. Things like that. Yeah, I heard it too, for tonight I'm going to stop here. Another time then.

Minoo

Now that people have forgotten about this site, it is time to really start to update in here.

In a way, posting in here is more dangerous than my xanga site, because I don't have a blogger tracker like suhock. However, since the amount of people that I've told this to have been very low, I'm willing to take that chance.

So, by now you must know already, there's this girl named Minoo. I've known her for a few years now, though I can't remember how I started talking to her or who introduced her to me. I'm sure it was Bret, that is the only link that I know of. Anyway, things got interesting when I asked her to be my date for Paul's wedding, only I didn't think that it was a date. So while the reception party got interesting, Minoo and I started a walk on the beach, started in sunset, ended at night. I remember that night very well because it was a very beautiful day on Anna Marie Island, aside from the rotten fish left over from the red tide. There was a storm front just off the coast moving in, and as we were walking, one could see the head of the thunderstorm, sprouting bolts of lightning into the sea. So we're walking and we're talking, finally getting to a nice place where the sand just disappears into the water, and the sand comes together with the sky.

Something prevented me from making a move that night, I don't know if it was the lack of alcohol or just a simple act of cowardice. Ok, maybe I do know, it was something that I had said for the sake of conversation and to prod her feelings, to see where she stands. Do you know how different it would have been if I had made a move that night? And yet, regardless of the mess of emotions that I feel, regret isn't one of them.

I don't know why I feel this way. I am very attracted to her, except her arm hair, but I swear, that goes for all women. It's just a trivial thing of mine that I need to cast away. I am attracted to her like dew in the morning grass, and my mind loses its eloquence when I'm with her. And yet, I speak of the most idiotic of things. You should always end your sentences with a question, if you are trying to start a relationship with a girl. It will help to stimulate the conversation.

Sigh, I should get off and do something more productive. I want to whisper the words of Pablo Neruda to a girl's ear.

If You Forget Me by Pablo Neruda

I want you to know
one thing.

You know how this is:
if I look
at the crystal moon, at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats
that sail
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.

Well, now,
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.

If suddenly
you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.

If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
remember
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.

But
if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine.

I need to back off and give her some space.

In other news

My friend Sean tried to hook me up with his girlfriend's friend the other day. They asked me whether or not I was interested in a tall girl from the English Dept at HCC. As a joke, I ask them is she Indian. I think they took it the wrong way, at least Sean's girlfriend Justine did. She said something along the lines of "no, she's just plain, white girl." It's not like I prefer Indian girls over white girls, at this point, any dating is preferred. It's just that, while it's not a fetish or anything, I'm just attracted to everything there is about south asia and arabia. I love the food, the culture, the music, and the girls just came along as a bonus. I really don't have a preference on skin color, however, I think that's the way they took it as.

Justine's a good person, there's only one little thing that bugs me about her. We were feeding the alligators at Lowry Park Zoo, and one of the gators failed to swallow a chicken that was thrown at it's face. Justine shouted out "you retard, get the chicken." Now I know she isn't prejudiced in anyway, but some people may find offense to that comment, or better yet, the usage of that word. We were at a zoo, surrounded by an audience of children, and that isn't exactly something parents like to teach to their kids. Even worse, had there been a parent with a mentally retarded child watching, what would have been the reaction then?

dammit

Damn, why do I still love her. Actually, let me take that back, I don't think it's love, and I don't want to call it an obsession because that's creepy and not what I'm aiming for. It's her presence, it just makes me go all gushy inside, and I lose whatever facade I had put up. I don't think it's love because I don't know her. She's only an acquaintance to me and I to her. I haven't felt about a girl like this since Anne.

Maybe it's all a horrible little game my mind is playing on itself. Maybe I'm taking things out of perspective, and I should move on. But each time I see her face again, I'm placed back into this little hell of mine.

I haven't given up

I know why now

I know why, I'll work it out later tonight

Story of my life contd

I met this girl named Mona Lisa on xanga about three years ago. She goes to USF, she's half chinese/half indian, she's beautiful. But what have I done about it? Nada. Because I don't want to get rejected? That's one of the reasons. Another reason is because my best friend likes her too, and he doesn't know. Course, she doesn't know either.

Story of my life

Doh

I've created this new blog, and now I've been stricken with a case of brain block.

Jay Sean - Stolen

Just something for the night

Duality

Something of a start

"Turn your lights down low, and close your window curtains."

I started this new blog for one reason, too many people were reading my xanga page. I started Xanga in 2003 in order to provide a record of events as they happened in my life, along which, I included certain insights and rants. But then I felt like I was limited in what I can post, limited by my audience on Xanga because I wanted to write about them. I know I can easily set each post to private or protected, but I'm a lazy bum. Throughout the years, Xanga have slowly grown to merely a collection of day to day events or NY Times articles that caught my eye. This blog is going back to my original intent, as a database for creativity.

So, let's get this started

Introduction

In Buddhism, there is a concept of the six realms of existence, or simply the six realms. The six realms represent the six state of mind that a person may transcend during his life.

1. The world of heaven. This is the world of enjoyment, pleasure or pleasant things. The condition of heaven is impermanent, and this state of mind will also change.
2. The world of humans. (Human beings) In the world of humans, sometimes we are happy, sometimes we are sad, sometimes we are laughing, sometimes we are crying.
3. The world of asuras. This is the world of fighting, or strife. The realm or state of mind of fighting.
4. The world of hungry spirits. This is the realm of dissatisfaction, not being content. The state of having endless unsatisfied desires, or greed. Figuratively speaking, always being hungry.
5. The world of animals. It is the realm lacking reason. The state without reason. Without reason, mistakes are made, causing hardships or suffering to self, and at times others. Without reason, being dominated by one's desires.
6. The world of hell. Hell refers to the realm of suffering. The state of suffering and pain, which through cause and condition people will enter.