the beginning...

Perhaps I should make due to my promises and explain what exactly are the six realms which this blog is titled from:

1.) Realm of Hell: the lowest and worst realm, filled with demons and a black and bleak landscape. There isn't much to be said of this realm because there's nothing noticible there.

2.) Realm of the hungry ghosts: this is about as literal of a translation as I could get, in sanskrit it is called Preta-gati. Think of eternal starvation or unsatified cravings.

3.) Realm of the animals: realm of animals and livestock, characterized by stupidity and servitude.

4.) Realm of Asura: This is where things start to get interesting. This is a realm characterized by anger, jealousy, and constant war. Within the human self, the realm of Asura is most like that of humans, where they are partly good and partly evil.

5.) Realm of Humans: beings who are good and evil, enlightenment is within our grasp, yet most of us are blinded and consumed by our desires.

6.) Realm of Devas: Heavenly beings with godlike powers. "some say that because their pleasure is greatest, so too is their misery"

Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday

This line have been going around in my head for the past few days: "I don't want to complicate you"

It feels like it is a part of a song that I want to write, but I don't know what comes after for the next line. Something that fits, something that flows, sweet like candy across my soul. That kind of thing, yanno.

It was her popularity that I had wanted, I thought I could use her to get me into the world of indian girls. But Karim was right, whereas she have a choice and a reason, I have none. I should accept what was given to me, and move on. But I've always been a stubborn individual.

Met up with Daniella last night, she's leaving tonight, just in town for a business meeting. It is difficult to catch up on past things now, we spent the entire night reminicing, I felt like we should have talked about the future instead of the past. But once a conversation direction starts with Daniella, it's hard to change topic. She's a nice girl, but I would never like to get on her bad side in an arguement, because I will surely lose.

Listening to Hed Kandi - Disco Heaven mix instead of doing GIS work. I'm hungry.

Mona

Knowing if I could give you the sky and also the sea
But I don't think there's one thing in this world that'll make you notice me
Cause you can wield that sword in any direction, you damn well please
But you don't understand, that my heart is in your hands
And I'm beggin you not to squeeze.

Transfixed in her smile like the other fifty guys
She hypnotized, Guess I'm another stickler for pretty eyes
I minimized my obsession, never made the confession
Even evaded her presence at our graduation procession
It was a decision I later regretted
Wondering what I could have said and would it have swept her away if I said it
Step and Repeat and edit - my thoughts clashed
But I regained my lost chance the very day that we crossed paths again
I revelled in the opportunity, asked her to go dancing
Basking in this confidence that was new to me
It worked beautifully! A wild night became a quiet ride home
As I broke the silence her eyes roamed
7 years of frustration then hit her ears with abrasion
As I laced her with my tale of lust, tears and anticipation
Her reaction was a face of fakeness
Told me she was flattered, but within a tone lacking any amazement
It seemed she'd heard it all before
I realized then, her popularity is what I wanted her for
I tried to be strong as she hopped out the door
But even the hardest hearts break when they're dropped to the floor
Like Porcelain

Winter Nights

I love winter nights, especially when the air is cold but not quite cold enough where it's nippy. Cold nights also equal another thing: lack of water vapor in the sky. cold air can't hold as much moisture as warm air does, which means clearer skies at night.

Last night was such a night, it was 12 when I came back from the Lightning game. My very first nhl hockey game, sat all the way up in the nosebleeds. We were six rows below the back wall, but can't complain, the tickets were free. So when I pulled up into the driveway, and looked up, I was absolutely floored. Someone had knocked out the streetlight in front of my house, so the scope of the view into the night sky was immense. To cite an example: normally, with decent light pollution, only the brightest and largest stars shine through. But last night, the span of the universe was open to my naked eyes, and there is so much to take in and be awed by the number of stars. no one really look up anymore. when was the last time one wished upon a shooting star? I suppose there's good reason to not to, you wouldn't want to make a wish to a satellite.

It's a good year for the Leonid meteors this year, and last night i spotted a couple shooting streaks before I went in to escape from the cold. For a while I lay back on the hood, put my jacket under my head, and just looked up. I suppose I zoned out a little bit from the reverie, but it was a reflective moment. last night was perfect, one of those nights where it wouldn't be so cold if one had someone with them. and then, i started thinking, maybe that's all i want. just someone to embrace, a friend or more, it doesn't matter, just someone to look up with. to be alone in this world is impossible, but it's very easy to become lonely. and when one becomes lonely, a person's gaze tend to be more focused downwards except upwards.

To go off topic a bit, I rediscovered this Vertical Horizon song that I took a shining to, listened it on the way to the river today:


"Everything You Want"

Somewhere there's speaking
It's already coming in
Oh and it's rising at the back of your mind
You never could get it
Unless you were fed it
Now you're here and you don't know why

But under skinned knees and the skid marks
Past the places where you used to learn
You howl and listen
Listen and wait for the
Echoes of angels who won't return

[Chorus]
He's everything you want
He's everything you need
He's everything inside of you
That you wish you could be
He says all the right things
At exactly the right time
But he means nothing to you
And you don't know why

You're waiting for someone
To put you together
You're waiting for someone to push you away
There's always another wound to discover
There's always something more you wish he'd say

[Chorus]

But you'll just sit tight
And watch it unwind
It's only what you're asking for
And you'll be just fine
With all of your time
It's only what you're waiting for

Out of the island
Into the highway
Past the places where you might have turned
You never did notice
But you still hide away
The anger of angels who won't return

[Chorus]
I am everything you want
I am everything you need
I am everything inside of you
That you wish you could be
I say all the right things
At exactly the right time
But I mean nothing to you and I don't know why
And I don't know why
Why
I don't know

____________________________

morae's for bellydancing

Back to square 1

Ok, so that didn't work. Last week, at a belated Halloween party, I got shot down by Minoo when I told her how I felt, or rather how I wanted to feel. I say how I wanted to feel because right now I just need somebody to hold, anybody to hold, any body to hold. It sounds mean of me to say it doesn't it? I suppose I don't deserve anyone right now for saying the words that I say. Well, some of this is my fault, I'm not very eloquent when I'm nervous, and I'm especially nervous when I'm around attractive women. So I don't think I got my point across when I told Minoo how I felt. Haha, it shocks me even to say this, but I don't want sex. If it comes with everything, then it's accepted, not rejected, but I'm not actively seeking it out. To make a point, when I go out with friends to the clubs, I don't carry condoms with me. All I want is physical contact, short of actual intercourse, just some kissing, and sleeping. Just the taste of a woman on my lips and my fingertips. Things like that. Yeah, I heard it too, for tonight I'm going to stop here. Another time then.

Minoo

Now that people have forgotten about this site, it is time to really start to update in here.

In a way, posting in here is more dangerous than my xanga site, because I don't have a blogger tracker like suhock. However, since the amount of people that I've told this to have been very low, I'm willing to take that chance.

So, by now you must know already, there's this girl named Minoo. I've known her for a few years now, though I can't remember how I started talking to her or who introduced her to me. I'm sure it was Bret, that is the only link that I know of. Anyway, things got interesting when I asked her to be my date for Paul's wedding, only I didn't think that it was a date. So while the reception party got interesting, Minoo and I started a walk on the beach, started in sunset, ended at night. I remember that night very well because it was a very beautiful day on Anna Marie Island, aside from the rotten fish left over from the red tide. There was a storm front just off the coast moving in, and as we were walking, one could see the head of the thunderstorm, sprouting bolts of lightning into the sea. So we're walking and we're talking, finally getting to a nice place where the sand just disappears into the water, and the sand comes together with the sky.

Something prevented me from making a move that night, I don't know if it was the lack of alcohol or just a simple act of cowardice. Ok, maybe I do know, it was something that I had said for the sake of conversation and to prod her feelings, to see where she stands. Do you know how different it would have been if I had made a move that night? And yet, regardless of the mess of emotions that I feel, regret isn't one of them.

I don't know why I feel this way. I am very attracted to her, except her arm hair, but I swear, that goes for all women. It's just a trivial thing of mine that I need to cast away. I am attracted to her like dew in the morning grass, and my mind loses its eloquence when I'm with her. And yet, I speak of the most idiotic of things. You should always end your sentences with a question, if you are trying to start a relationship with a girl. It will help to stimulate the conversation.

Sigh, I should get off and do something more productive. I want to whisper the words of Pablo Neruda to a girl's ear.

If You Forget Me by Pablo Neruda

I want you to know
one thing.

You know how this is:
if I look
at the crystal moon, at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats
that sail
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.

Well, now,
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.

If suddenly
you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.

If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
remember
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.

But
if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine.

I need to back off and give her some space.