I'm a fucking mystery to you aren't I?

With Minoo, I had someone to share secrets with, she would tell me her dreams and desires and I would listen. It was everything I had wanted with Anne, but I wanted more. I wanted Minoo's touch, no I take that back, I wanted any woman's touch. So I made the leap, and o boy did I fell. I fell hard, down, straight down into the abyss. So you think this would have taught me a lesson, to never open up unless I am absolutely sure with myself. Unfortnately, life for me doesn't always work that way.

Take Yedda for example, she's this girl I met a few years ago on some random chat room, actually I don't even remember where, she might not even be a girl with my luck. According to her she lives in beijing, and she works at a trademark/patent office. In her spare time she enjoys reading and long walks on the beach...no wait, where did that come from? She lives in my favorite city, Beijing, o yes, I do know that I've already mentioned that. So I want to meet her, and you think I would have learned from Minoo, never make a move unless you're absolutely sure you are not going to get burned. It isn't apprehension, but a precaution, something smart to keep you from ending up in dumb and vulnerable places. I asked her the other day whether it would be nice enough to meet up for coffee. And I dropped by the notion that it's funny, that perhaps we have walked side by side with each other in Beijing and both of us were none the wiser. So what would you do in my case, it's natural that she's cautious, but why did I play my hand?

Then finally, we come to Rene. I don't want to know what I feel about this girl, or why I spent so much time doing things for her. I wouldn't want her to feel like she owes me, but it almost seems manipulative on my part, to make her feel the way she does. She will forever remain in the category of "What might have beens" or "What could have happened", because I don't think it's desire that I feel with her. Flat out, it scares me to being alone with her, it is a fear that I have that I am unwilling to confront anyone more successful than me. Because I'm afraid of them exposing my own weaknesses. On the plane over here, a bored prison shrink came over and struck up a conversation about the different facets of geography and whether we were currently flying over water or land. I started to talk and he just stared intently in my face, to the point where his eyes became unnerving, as if they were dissecting my face, separating the muscle from bone. Finally, he said, "your glasses are crooked." Yes, I know, I know my glasses are crooked. I dropped them many times and I just fell asleep with them on. At that instant I stopped talking with the shrink, not because he pointed out my own faults, but I dislike people who point out faults in other people as if they were perfect, I suppose I hate the arrogance of it all. For me, the shrink reminded me of this girl in highschool named Jennifer Swisher. She would often come over to me, as we're eating lunch outside and goofing around, and look in my face, very much like the shrink, and say in a disgusted voice "your glasses are crooked". Yes thankyou for pointing it out, I don't have enough money to fix them.

It happens with almost every woman I have set my interests upon, I'm a smooth talker, though it may not seem so if you've ever met me in person. I choose my phrases carefully, and if it isn't the right time to say it, I wouldn't mumble a word. With some people, I get right to the point and say it until it hurts. I don't think I feel joy out of it, I'm not the type of person that revel in other people's unhappiness; and yet, on the other hand, I feel like I've achieved something when I've helped someone deal with their problem when they are explaining the situation to me. The doctor's code: You're never supposed to get close to your patients. Well, I have seemed to have developed an attraction to every girl I have ever listened to. It's dangerous, don't you think? Like Ali mentioned, I know everything there is to know about Ali, but I'm a fucking mystery to him.

No one knows who I'm really am. I like to be in control, so I won't let people discover who I am. Maybe it's all a game to me, I like being the mysterious one. Cloak me in shadows, never speak my name. With all of these women, I don't think I've ever shared anything personal to me that I haven't related to in their life. I've told millions of lies, in fact, I tell lies so often that it have become the truth in some cases, where I start to believe in my own lies and begin to second guess the truths. My memories are shot and my brain feels like swiss cheese, where 2001-2005 have become a mishmash of dates and specific events where nothing really comes together. I feel like I should be doing something or attending a class, only to snap awake and realize there is no class, I've never even signed up for it. When I dream, it feels so real...left unfinished for another day